There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
