He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
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Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
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I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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