im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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