I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
