My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
