From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
