Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
you will always have a special place in my vag
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
