Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
