a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
