It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
