I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
