Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
