oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
