I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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