I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Randomize
