driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I AM VODKA MAN
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
