You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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