I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
