If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
