Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
home. puking in laundry basket.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
