I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
