I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
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I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
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I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
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