he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
