Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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