Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
