I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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