my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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