did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
