They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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