Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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