wakey wakey hands off snakey
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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