Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize