ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
