I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
