You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
You left your phone here
Wait...
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