I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
