Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
