My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I think my vagina is haunted
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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