I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
