i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
My balls are so social today.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
