Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
