My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
