Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
