i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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