You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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