As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
