It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
