i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
And the cops told us we were all naked.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
