we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
