They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
