WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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