I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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