i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
