Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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