No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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