Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
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My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
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Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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