i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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